How to Suck an Egg PDF Print E-mail
Monday, 21 November 2005 17:42
It's an often used phrase, 'Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs' but what does it actually mean? In this age of squalid, damp, poorly regulated nursing homes your grandmother is more likely to be buggered senseless by her big, burly carer than spend much time passing on this ancient custom. With the wonderful tool that is the internet, anyone can teach anything to anyone, so I set out to revive the long forgotten art of sucking eggs.

Taken from

"It does look odd, but its meaning is clear enough: don’t give needless assistance or presume to offer advice to an expert. As that prolific author, Anon, once wrote:

Teach not thy parent’s mother to extract
The embryo juices of the bird by suction.
The good old lady can that feat enact,
Quite irrespective of your kind instruction.

Many similar expressions have been invented down the years, such as Don’t teach your grandmother how to milk ducks, and don’t teach your grandmother to steal sheep. These have the same kind of absurd image as the version you quote, which has survived them all. It was first recorded in 1707 in a translation by John Stevens of the collected comedies of the Spanish playwright Quevedo: “You would have me teach my Grandame to suck Eggs”. Another early example, whimsically inverted, is in Tom Jones by Henry Fielding, published in 1749: “I remember my old schoolmaster, who was a prodigious great scholar, used often to say, Polly matete cry town is my daskalon. The English of which, he told us, was, That a child may sometimes teach his grandmother to suck eggs”."

That's all well and good, but let's get down to the nitty gritty of it, how do you actually do it?!

Step one:

You obviously need to have some eggs. Not wanting to stick some foreign birds non-fertilised embryo in my mouth,  especially with all this bird flu going about, I decided to go British, and what better than 'Go Large' British fresh eggs?

Step two:

As you will probably be aware eggs come from a chicken's fanny. They will be a little slimy, and will possibly collect some chicken arse feathers, and maybe a little poo. Select a reasonably clean egg, and if you're really worried about it give it a wash (however, I chose not to).

Step three:

Place the egg firmly and confidently in the mouth. There's no room for mistake here, a little too high and it's an egg up the nose for you. A little too low, and you'll have yolk running down your chin. If you're drunk, you may want to consider someone else placing the egg in your mouth for you.

Step four:

There's really nothing else for it but to suck. Not too hard or you'll choke and if alone will die. There's nothing worse than being found dead on the floor with an egg stuck in your throat, especially if you're wearing your mother's stockings and suspenders.

Top tips:

When removing the egg, try not to bite it. I know this is tempting, but it really isn't very pleasant.

No, really. It is in fact very, very unpleasant. Much akin to swallowing elephant spunk I should imagine.

So there we have it, the lost art of sucking eggs here on the world wide superinterweb for all to see forever and ever, or at least until Edwina Currie gets hold of me. Show your grandmothers, children, friends and enemies and let's eventually make this an olympic sport.

Add New
i'm drunk Posted by Guest 2005-11-25 21:54:30
disn't miss my mouth but did proceed to wet and then shit myself reading your
article. i want to vomit too.

yukky but beautiful Posted by Guest 2005-11-25 22:55:48
this is the best nonsensical site in the world!

I Suck What? Posted by Guest 2005-11-25 23:03:16
I'm glad my stomach was full seeing this so I had something to barf up.
("The Dry Heaves" are really, really too much torture for me!)

I'm in need! Posted by Guest 2005-11-25 23:05:40
Anyone know where the nearest vomitorium is?

Oh Fuck! Posted by Guest 2005-11-25 23:07:54
I just blew my guts up again seeing that a fourth time!

I can confirm Posted by Guest 2005-11-26 04:43:17
That swallowing elephant spunk, is EGG-ZACTLY (see what I did there?) the same

Bleurgh! Posted by Dilbert 2005-11-26 07:12:44

Mom Posted by Guest 2005-11-26 11:40:52
Have you got any pics of your mother in stockings and suspenders?

i have the same plate as you.

Trust me, swallowing elephant spunk is a LOT worse !!!

YUCK! Posted by Laura 2005-11-27 05:57:18

moist Posted by Guest 2005-11-28 03:15:35
Elephant spunk is really hot as well

Geranny Feranny Posted by Wet 2005-11-28 16:42:57
my grandmother taught me to suck her whilst holding some eggs. does that count?

So close and yet so far Posted by JimmerUK 2005-11-29 17:39:59
That's a very, very different article.

Alternative phrase Posted by Guest 2005-11-30 13:06:53
I used to know someone who didn't use the "don't teach your grandmother how
to suck eggs" phrase but instead said "don't teach your father how to

twunt! Posted by Lordy 2005-12-01 19:37:07
lmao jimmer your such a silly silly silly bugger, but at least in a strange sort
of way, its informative

Ahem Posted by Trillipse 2006-01-19 08:58:26
I find that in order to suck eggs on any normal day, i need to insert my face a
darned sight nearer to the fallopian tube, somewhat resembling an -oscopy...
("an oscopy my dear? then you're a scientist!" usually i feel more like
a submariner)

eh? Posted by CongoJoe 2006-03-17 06:38:37
What does cheap viagra have to do with sucking eggs?

Is it related to
grandmothers sucking eggs?

Bah! Posted by JimmerUK 2006-03-22 07:44:17
What you're referring to Joe is the huge amount of spam that gets posted on this
article. As this page is linked to quite a few places and gets thousands of
hits, there are some people who think that they can use it as a free form of
advertising. I'm going to be upgrading the comment function soon to stop it.

Yayayay! Posted by JimmerUK 2006-03-29 09:08:23
I've got some new fangled updated comment thingy (I hate php now) so no more
Viagra adverts.

:? :? :roll :upset :eek igh :cry

Bah, i think i figured out how theyre related.

Its all todo with getting
youre grandmother to do things...

Stop breaking things Jimmer!

I found this site by accident, while Googling that saying about grandmothers.
This is the funniest site I've seen in years, maybe since the late 90s. Thanks!

GW Bush sux Posted by Obbop 2006-11-22 21:16:16
Think that egg is bad? How would you like to have GW Bush as your president!!!!
That vomity feeling occurs every time the ignorant vermin spews his tiresome

The lackey of the ruling elite is an ignoramus and represents a VERY
small minority of Americans.

Damn..... GW Bush should be sucking eggs instead
of pretending to be a president.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh ye but y and wtf does the term go suck an
egg mean thats wot i want 2 no........ BASTARDS :?

mr Posted by stephen thomas 2010-08-25 12:02:38
so why did you suck eggs in the first place whats the point i understand the
meaning of the quote but what is the relevence to the sucking
eggs part
teach your grandmother to shit i understand because shes been shitting a lot
longer than me but why would i want to suck eggs in the first place

i have a plan ... Posted by sarah 2012-07-20 08:18:55
I am soon to be in the enviable position of having to be interveiwed for my own
job. Redundency is looming and i heard i may be expected to make a presentation.
After 34 years in nursing i'm just a little bit peeved. So can you guess what my
presentation maybe about?

I've heard waht they actually did was to poke 2 holes in it and suck out the insides through one of them, which frankly makes a lot more sense than what you're

I have read a lot of articles and this is the most satisfactory article. It
has very well exploited the problem. Happy Room

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