Feminine Hygiene Products - Tested PDF Print E-mail
Saturday, 03 December 2005 11:12
My watching of a good TV programme the other day was rudely interupted by an advertisement for tampons. There they were with the old blue water 'proving' that their product was better than "the next leading brand". I suddenly wondered if this had been tested independently, thinking it hadn't I set to it, throwing my own homemade creations in to the mix.

For this experiment backup was called for in the form of my good buddy, Raf the Science Gimp.

Not being of the 'laydee' variety of human, we weren't able to test any of these products for comfort so this series of tests is all about absorbency, just like the adverts.

First off, the contenders:

 The leading brand
 Supermarket own
Sainsbury's Applicator Tampons
JimmerUK's Fanny Plugs (prototype)

So we set off. The test is an easy one: stick them in a glass of a measured amount of the infamous blue water (250ml) and let them do their business. When it is determined they can soak up no more, we pull them out and measure how much water is left therefore determining their absorbency.

First up - Tampax

WHOAH! The moment it touched the water it instantly grew in size! I didn't realise how fast these things worked. You never, ever want to try eating one of these fuckers as you will die. Remember, the human body is 70% water and these things could drain you dry. I'm surprised that once you open a packet of these all the water isn't sucked out of the atmosphere!

After my surprise we got back down to science with the Sainsbury's own brand.

The Tampax and Sainsbury's both looked the same kind of size before they were immersed, but we immediately noticed that the Sainsbury's hadn't grown to quite the proportions of the Tampax once wet. Could this mean that it wouldn't hold as much water? We would soon find out.

Next up - JimmerUK's Fanny Plugs (something I'm very, very proud of)

Now, we had trouble totally immersing this bad boy. Not because it grew to the size of a moon and enveloped us all, simply because it was already huge in the first place.

A sturdy Raf finger was placed on the 'tampon' to hold it down. When these hit the shelves, a plastic Raf Finger will come with the box to enable laydees to insert the tampon a little easier. I think we might even put his phone number on the box aswell so laydees can call for the personal touch. How's that for customer service!


Tampax - The tampax glass was left with 213ml meaning it had absorbed 37ml.

Sainsbury's Own Brand - The SOB glass was left with 223ml, meaning it had absorbed 27ml.

JimmerUK's Fanny Plugs - The JFP glass was left with 222ml, meaning that it had absorbed 28ml.

WOO YAY! My first attempt at making a tampon with three sheets of kitchen roll and an elastic band actually turned out to be better than the Sainsbury's 'professional' version. I couldn't believe it. Unfortunately both were left standing by the super-absorbency of the Tampax. That little bastard drained over a third more fake menstrual fluid than mine. Bah!

Having toyed enough with tampons, we turned our attentions to sanitary towels.

The contenders:


The leading brand
Always Ultra
Supermarket own
Sainsbury's Ultra Towels
JimmerUK's Laydee's Pants Protectors (prototype)
So here's the test: Carefully measuring 10ml of blue water using a tablespoon, we poured the water onto the towels until they got the kitchen roll underneath wet, and then kept going until they had absorbed all they could. Clever huh?

First to go, Always Ultra

We poured on the water...

...and some more...

...and some more. This thing drank more than a cheap slut on a friday night! We checked the bottom to see if it had started coming through.

It hadn't so we kept going until finally spillage.

Then we poured on more and more until this fanny pad had had it's fill.

Like the good scientists we were we couldn't understand how this demon thing was working so we destroyed it. Inside was lots of wet slime. Where had it come from? How did this thing make slime? Was this ectoplasm or something?

We moved on to the Sainsbury's towel

and repeated the process

This one was filled with loads and loads of goo! On closer inspection it would seem that they were saturated crystals that had been sitting there quite happily until we started pouring blue water over them.

Finally, JimmerUK's Lady's Pants Protectors

Bah! this fucker fell at the first hurdle

We added another tablespoon and called it a day. It wasn't going to take anymore.

The results:

Always - Took 60ml before spillage, and 80ml in total.

Sainsbury's Own Brand - Took 50ml before spillage, and 80ml in total.

JimmerUK's Laydee's Pants Protectors - Took 10ml before spillage, and 20ml in total (complete failure).

It would seem that the leading brand is the leading brand for a reason, it works better (it also came with a handy fanny freshener wipe which no others did). The Sainsbury's towels weren't far behind, but didn't look as attractive. Also, the Sainsbury's towel was full of gel which would splurge all over the place, whereas the Always crystals were embedded into the towel. The less said about my homemade version, the better. It performed as well as you could expect three sheets of kitchen roll held together with packing tape would.

Happy with our contribution to science, we drew our conclusions.


If you're a girl and you've got the painters in, on the monthlies, suffering from the curse, you can either go for Tampons if it's not too heavy or you're going swimming or something, or if there's a heavy flow of blood pouring out of your front bottom you could go for a sanitary towel.

If you're stuck without either, don't fold up some bog-roll and stick it in your knickers, it's rubbish. Roll up the bog-roll and shove it up inside, it works just as effectively as Sainsbury's tampons and should keep you sorted until you get to the chemist. If you choose to hold it together with an elastic band as I did, I would recommend you pull it out carefully. I can only imagine the blood splatter all over the walls when it flicks out. It would probably resemble a scene from a Tarantino movie.

So there you have it. Science at work.

Add New
Those elastic bands have had postman's fingers all over them. If a girl wanted a
postman's fingers up her mimsy she would ask him to wash them first.
Bear this
in mind.

Hurrah for Google ads

Never thought I'd enjoy reading about chick stuff... but I did! (the hotness of
the "scientists" didn't hurt either!) :p

Good science articles Posted by Registered 2006-03-31 11:09:38
Good science articles like this one are hard to find! I'll be passing it around!

:cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry :cry

next... Posted by ches whistler 2006-03-31 11:42:29
Why stop there?

Theres nipple guards (maternity), which we need to see the
fit being checked and indeed giant nappies for grannies with stress

We need to know before we all getting to old to care. :zzz

Funny as fooook Posted by Kirstie 2006-03-31 11:48:15
looooooool I liked this experiment very much..! I conducted a similar experiment
myself when I was young & tender, but took it a step further by slapping the
used tampons on car windows & watching the owners face when they returned & saw
'grown' ladies products on their car windows :zzz

wooo Posted by sassycat 2006-03-31 11:54:24
brilliant. just...brilliant. I can now buy the leading brand of fem-plugs with
ease and confidence, knowing full well they will work.

PS I had no idea they
made scientists this sexy...where can I find one?

WARNING!! Posted by fuzzyone 2006-03-31 12:38:48
Oh the joy, the deep deep joy... lads doing sensible experiments & maybe
learning a thing or too about how we ladies leak. I would however advise :?:?
... ladies not to put bog roll up their narnee coz it'll leave shreds of the
stuff stuck on ur inner walls & its a bugger tryin to get them out (and not too
pleasant for the unfortunate person givin you head, to find days later!!

:upset :eek

Wowweee Posted by JimmerUK 2006-03-31 12:48:35
It takes me over 3 hours to get home from work (fucking M25! biggest car
park in the world!) and I come home to the surprise that I'm in
the newsletter. Yay!

ladies not to put bog roll up their narnee coz it'll leave
shreds of the stuff stuck on ur inner walls &

That sounds like the voice of experience!  :grin

Lovely!! Posted by darling_nici 2006-03-31 14:06:36
Who knew men could be so considerate as to take time to test fem prods & let
ladies everywhere know which works the best! I'll never be able to use a tamp
and not think you you two. Thank you so much! :grin

Oh fantastic Posted by Tweek 2006-03-31 15:01:43
Cheered me up on a rainy Friday evening! Well done lads!!!!!! :zzz

good research guys - what about another test adding tena lady to your selection?
thats got to be duvet worthy?

If any girls want to be at 80% increased risk for vaginal infections, then by
all means put rolled- up toilet paper inside you. Tampons are made and treated
specially for internal use. Yay for yeast infections and monthlies!

80% Schmeighty percent Posted by JimmerUK 2006-03-31 16:56:33
That means 20% infection free bog roll stuffing, guaranteed!

83% of all
statistics are made up. Fact.

nice Posted by moi 2006-03-31 18:48:17
Lick my bloody cunt

She is beautiful Posted by Poonams Boyfriend 2006-03-31 18:50:27
I just wanted to tell the whole world that my girlfriend is due 'on' within the
next week and now I will be teaching HER one or two things about her sexy
Nice1 guys :p

Yep, you're right about the kitchen paper towel-- been there, done that...
"wad" over "fold" any day, girls.
i once sent a tampon through
the washer and dryer by accident -- when it came out, it was perfectly enlarged
and not fluffy at all, so i tied it to my whiteboard and used it as a duster. It
worked perfectly!
PS I live a couple of K away from the XXXX factory :> the
export cans look far nicer than the bright yellow beer-piss coloured ones we
get! what do you think of our brew?

ever poor soda pop on a tampax, super?
much with the fun

Cool. Posted by djrich 2006-04-01 07:27:36
Great scientific experiment. :grin

Tipping with a tampon Posted by angry critter 2006-04-01 07:51:27
I live in the US (i didn't vote for the bastards). I had to be in Washington
one time and my friends and I ordered Bloody Marys - the waitress was such a
bitch that we tipped her with OB Tampons in the reamins of the drinks and a
quarter under an fipped glass of water on the table.

She came affter us
screaming in the street.

OOOOH !! Tampon tests...LOL Posted by Randy Wayze 2006-04-01 08:34:23
The tests were ok but the comments are the funniest !!
Remind me of being 14
and thinking we were all so COOL because we talked to the girls about whether
they used pads or tampons!!
EEEH it takes me back !!
LOLOLOL :upset :zzz


This reminds me of the time i was blobbing out without the help of lady pads.
The only appropriate item i had in my bag was my childs diaper However the
diaper was bulky and hard to move around in. Being an artiste it is not unusual
that i have a stanley knife in my bag. Slash slash slash and nappy was
perfectly moulding to my lady parts.
However drip drip drip and half an hour
later red clumps of silicone were smearing the chrome. I was so embarrassed.
Thats the last time i pole dance without tte help of proper tampons.

mr Posted by shane ashley cupit 2006-04-02 05:41:03
Since a lady friend asked if I could help her out of a sticky time, I have kept
a supply of the leading brand in a pot in me bathroom.. I never once concidered
they would be fun to play with.. now the mind boggles! thanks guys good work...

haahaa Posted by Iona 2006-04-02 13:20:11
fecking GREATone! haahaahaahaa

But....the rubber bands....I guess it would work fine if the lass was shaved,
but if pubes were present it could be worse than a waxing!!!

WORKS FOR MEN TOO!!! Posted by Milo The Crab 2006-04-02 20:16:34
P.S. I forgot to mention, I had to go to a wedding yesterday and had a mammoth
case of the trots....thanks guys, you saved me loads of embarrassment, and
actually created some amusement when I developed the great idea of reapplying
one and discarding the "used" one in the chocholate mousse! I also
made 5 bob from my brother!!!!!!

I always wondered whether men did this.. Posted by Rowan79 2006-04-03 09:56:32
Guess I know for certain now. I personally find Playtex the best
tampon of choice and tampax the second best, but that may be just me. Does
anyone else find that tampons alleviate cramping over pads? I'd be afraid to
shove any loo paper up there, yikes! That'd smart!

spade Posted by me 2006-04-03 16:48:54
you are an idiot with too much timeon your hand(s) go get laid or something

Thanks Posted by JimmerUK 2006-04-04 03:24:22
Thanks for the comment Spade. It's people like you who make this all worthwhile.

He has a point though... Posted by Josh 2006-04-04 10:07:57
...you are \"an idiot with too much time on your hand(s)\"

personally don\'t see it as a bad thing though when you bring us gems of
internet based information like this though. Keep up the good work!

wikid Posted by cooper 2006-04-04 17:40:09
wikid experiment n i hav same plates as u lol. jus wonderin wot made u wana do

Product Warning Posted by PeeJay 2006-04-05 02:59:30
I used to suffer from heavy nosebleeds and a laydeefrend of mine offered me a
completely safe and inoffensive looking Lillets Mini tampon to staunch the

It was then that I found out just how absorbent the little blighters
are! My poor old hooter ended up looking like half a manic toadstool and
(needle-nosed) pliers had to be called for.

You have been warned! And,
fellas, you might want to think just *HOW* unbalanced a human being needs to be
to stick one of these things into their most cherished parts once a month with
just a bloody string to extricate it.

Big Up Laydeez!

What made me do this? Posted by JimmerUK 2006-04-05 05:37:34
wikid experiment n i hav same plates as u lol. jus wonderin wot made u
wana do this?

It's all in the intro. I saw an advert and thought that it was a lot of
marketing bollocks. Things like this are never officially proven
until JimmerUK tests it with science.

loved your tampon version Posted by Britney Spears 2006-04-07 10:57:37

Who's the guy on the left in the blue shirt?

You're hot...

:grin :p :roll :eek :upset :zzz igh :? :cry

brilliant guys, but I'm laydee with an allergy to almost all sanitary products
and only one brand (Natracare organic sanitary products) will do so I have no
choice and have to pay out more than double to other laydees for my protection.
Boo Hoo :cry

made me chuckle! :grin

fd@das.uk Posted by ds 2006-12-02 08:22:41
:? :roll igh igh :roll :? :cry :eek :zzz
:zzz :p :grin :zzz

class Posted by GhostyDog 2008-11-12 20:14:13
good stuff mate, been hiding this site well, can you please do a science test on
how to stop my neighbours car alarm going off in the middle of the night EVERY

I used to visit this website because of this web page content genuine
information mutilate a doll 2

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