Number Eleven - No Excuses PDF Print E-mail
Friday, 10 August 2007 01:00

Number Eleven - No ExcusesI'm not even going to insult anyone's intelligence by coming up with excuses for the two-month hiatus my weekly roundup of the internet has taken. I'll let you come up with an excuse for yourselves. Maybe something involving monkeys, cheese, a bear-trap, half a pound of tupenny-rice, and a jar of pickled herrings. Answers on a postcard to the usual address. Needless to say, I won't let it happen again. *Not a genuine promise.

This week: Faceball, supid inventions, important research, love on the northern line, fighting bible characters and more.

Faceball!
At its simplest level Faceball involves two people hitting beachballs at each other's faces. At a deeper level it's a vehicle for the release of personal animosity, and the Shaming of the Weak.

Animal Splicer
I've spent the last six weeks in my mad scientist laboratory trying to cross-breed various animals with little to no success.. then what do I find?! Only a bloody website that does all that for you with none of the mess. Bastards.

Agony Aunt
If your car breaks down and you return home to find your husband parading around in your lingerie what do you do? Write to an agony aunt is what. Read the heartfelt tale, then the genius advice from the agony aunt.
Vintage Tesco's Bag
Needing money to pay for a family holiday eBayer, knuksevoli, has put his precious vintage tescos bag up for sale. "THIS BAG HAS BEEN GENTLY USED, A FEW SCRAPES AND A FEW HOLES BUT NOTHING MAJOR STILL HAS LOADS OF LIFE IN IT."
Stupid Invention of the Week
This stupid invention is a fire alarm that stops false alarms by trapping the person's hand, who cannot escape until the police or fire brigade let them out. So not only will the person burn to death if there is an actual fire... but if it's a false alarm the emergency services need to called anyway! Science at work people.

Bad Flight
Have you ever has such a bad flight that you felt compelled to write to the airline? This guy did, and it makes for hilarious reading (the fact that it looks as if it's written on bog-roll helps).



Important Research
Just because research is delivered in a traditional stand-up format does that make said research less true? No. Find out via graphs and charts the correlation of how cute a girl is versus how intuitive she she thinks her cat is, and how funny a drunk person is in relation to their height, amongst other things.

Sloth
Quite possibly the weirdest video I've seen since that one with the man peeling an orange with his toes whilst in a bath of baked beans, humming along to Hakuna Matata, this video is odd... yet strangely good.

Ejaculating Shampoo
Pouring shampoo into a tube of shampoo would just give you a tubeful of shampoo surely? Did you know that shampoo doesn't like being in tubes and will happily leap out again. Weird.

Butter on the Floor
An annoying flatmate keeps slamming the door, so the his roomie puts butter on the floor. The annoying flatmate finds out, and he puts butter on the floor, more butter is put on the floor in revenge butter attacks. Parts 1 & 2 Parts 3 & 4
Mortal Kombat A Capella
Two guys sparring in the park get accosted by a bunch of singers singing the Mortal Kombat music. It gets a JimmerUK rating of 'Enjoyable'.

Love on the Northern Line
Considering this is probably the first Round-Up I've done since Big Brother started I thought I'd treat you with Big Brother's Ziggy during his former incarnation as member of boyband Northern Line and the classic track Love on the Northern Line.



Bible Fight
Who would win in a fight between Noah and Eve, Moses v Mary, or even Jesus v Satan? Now you can decide with Bible Fight! Pit the major characters from the biggest selling fictional book of all time against each other in this fighting game.

Double Wires
What if Spiderman were drunk? How would he get about? You'd imagine it would be something a little like this game.

 

Top Tips

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

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